You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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