that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
