and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
this just has baby written all over it
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
