When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Randomize
