Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I wish you could order shots online.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
