i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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