final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
