If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
