he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
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