I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Farmville is her only friend.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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