the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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