I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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