I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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