I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
