I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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