I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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