we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
