In the future we'll all be gay
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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