dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
