can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
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