Apparently you make a good broom.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
