Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
