I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
