God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Will exercising make me less horny?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
