Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
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he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
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Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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