Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
The adults are the big ones right?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
