4 words: hood of his car
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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