My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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