Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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