You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Randomize
