Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
