im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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