Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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