just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
