Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
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Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
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Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"