i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
17 Women That Lost Condoms Up Their Lady Parts
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
23 People Confess The Most F*cked Up Thing Guests Have Done In Their House
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places