my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I am full of burrito and curiosity
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
