'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
lets start a swedish sibling band together
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
