I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
