You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
