They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
