Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i barfeds in our rink
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
