Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
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