Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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