perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
