He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
