i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
