ya dads aren't the best wingmen
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
