Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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