I'm gonna have a badass scar
I looked at my own cervix.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Randomize
