I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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