you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
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She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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