I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Actions speak louder than pants.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
