Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
