I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Randomize
