Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
